I recognize the need for change and growth because: I am a lazy asshole who did absolutely none of the required work on time and that makes me feel shitty.
I have no priorities, I have no contextual issues. I'm doing my best to get better and that in and of itself is important to me. I honestly am glad that I acknowledged a while ago that I am a good person, I just have some really negative traits that I need to work out and I will work them out. I have a great support group since coming out of the ward, I've made some amazing self discoveries and the weird blog that you're having us do (though it seems to have no connection to your class) is actually very helpful in keeping me on track. Even though I'm always late with it.
The outcome of my change and growth will be: (as cheesy as this is) a better and more productive me that hopefully won't flunk out of school.
My plan: Follow around my best friend and try to be as awesome as he is and productive.
I really don't know what else to say during this blog post. So I hope you found and read what you needed.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Mentoring Planning
Need for mentoring:
I want to learn to become more focused and motivated. I want to actually finish a project, actually do my homework on time (laughs because I'm posting this disgustingly late), lose weight and kiss boys/girls.
I'm not very motivated, ever.
I have selected my friend Sunshine as my mentor, though he is entirely unaware of that fact. Sunshine is my best friend, I've slept with him a few times and I am infatuated with him. Not in a romantic way, strangely enough. I've become dependent on our friendship and without him I'd be in a very bad place a lot of the time. I've chosen him as my mentor because he strives to use his wisdom to help those around him and actually a lot of the time has.
I will not ever tell him that he is in a mentoring position with me. I will just be more subservient and more observant of the way he lives his life. I already meet with him everyday and he helps improve my life all the time anyway.
My goals are just to be a better person and to do what I can to be productive. I'll know everything is working when he compliments me, because it's rare for him to be nice to me. (even as my best friend). And to reward my growth and improvement I will probably have sex. A lot of sex. And it will be fun.
My final success will be when I have programmed my video game.
As for ending the mentoring relationship, I will not be doing that. He will be doing that when he progresses with his life and goes to his new school next semester. I will either find another mentor or will do my best to improve on my own.
I will miss him, but I'm glad that I've known him and I can't wait to take all I can learn from him in the short time I have with him.
I want to learn to become more focused and motivated. I want to actually finish a project, actually do my homework on time (laughs because I'm posting this disgustingly late), lose weight and kiss boys/girls.
I'm not very motivated, ever.
I have selected my friend Sunshine as my mentor, though he is entirely unaware of that fact. Sunshine is my best friend, I've slept with him a few times and I am infatuated with him. Not in a romantic way, strangely enough. I've become dependent on our friendship and without him I'd be in a very bad place a lot of the time. I've chosen him as my mentor because he strives to use his wisdom to help those around him and actually a lot of the time has.
I will not ever tell him that he is in a mentoring position with me. I will just be more subservient and more observant of the way he lives his life. I already meet with him everyday and he helps improve my life all the time anyway.
My goals are just to be a better person and to do what I can to be productive. I'll know everything is working when he compliments me, because it's rare for him to be nice to me. (even as my best friend). And to reward my growth and improvement I will probably have sex. A lot of sex. And it will be fun.
My final success will be when I have programmed my video game.
As for ending the mentoring relationship, I will not be doing that. He will be doing that when he progresses with his life and goes to his new school next semester. I will either find another mentor or will do my best to improve on my own.
I will miss him, but I'm glad that I've known him and I can't wait to take all I can learn from him in the short time I have with him.
Reading Log
I read this book the other night, it was loaned to me by a friend.
Cruel Beauty. Sadly I am not aware of the page length.
My purpose was to read an erotic and sad tale about a Demon and his Lover.
I expected to read this book in a few days. However, it was very catching and I read the entire thing in four hours. I stayed up from 11pm until 3am.
A major problem I have when it comes to reading is not staying up all night. Unfortunately I broke performance criteria then.
I was already very aware of all the vocabulary in the book so I did not need to look anything up.
I read through everything with ease. I did not need to take notes or look anything up. The book was wonderful and I recommend it.
My strength as a reader is still there. I may not be very studious, but I do read. A lot.
What I learned from this experience is that my friends are into weird things and I should borrow books more often. I didn't have any questions while reading.
Cruel Beauty. Sadly I am not aware of the page length.
My purpose was to read an erotic and sad tale about a Demon and his Lover.
I expected to read this book in a few days. However, it was very catching and I read the entire thing in four hours. I stayed up from 11pm until 3am.
A major problem I have when it comes to reading is not staying up all night. Unfortunately I broke performance criteria then.
I was already very aware of all the vocabulary in the book so I did not need to look anything up.
I read through everything with ease. I did not need to take notes or look anything up. The book was wonderful and I recommend it.
My strength as a reader is still there. I may not be very studious, but I do read. A lot.
What I learned from this experience is that my friends are into weird things and I should borrow books more often. I didn't have any questions while reading.
Team Assessment
Team Assessment Blog assignment.
Name: Raina Melendez
Team Members: Chris, Aaron, Nick, Angelia, Nicole
Two greatest strengths:
I will start by saying that it is very obvious that we are not the greatest team. We all have our faults and could do well if we actually weren't too lazy to try anything half of the time.
Chris has charisma. Nick is the pretty face and the presenter. Angelia and Nicole don't really fit in much and resign to do things on their own and Aaron is the amazing tech guy who throws the powerpoints together. I am very determined when it comes to the group projects.
Obviously we each have a bit that we could bring to the table. When it comes to the actual implication of our strengths is where we falter.
Two Areas that need improvement:
Communication and politics.
We don't have a leader. And, if we communicated we'd all probably realize that the best one for the job is Chris. I am lazy and even though I am willing to do the work, my natural submissive personality dictates that I need to have someone in command tell me what to do. Aaron, lacking self esteem and bursting about the seams with cynicism is absolutely perfectly suited for his job as tech man. Angelia and Nicole would do well to provide him with links and materials, Chris would be best at delegating to us and Nick is naturally the most obvious choice for presentation.
My insights:
People, especially college students, in my experience have never done very well in group work. Human beings are selfish, lazy and terrible creatures that need guidance at virtually all hours. We possess the qualities necessary to work in teams but without a very positive leader and intelligible communication we will fail.
In times of stress and pressure we will put together a half ass and haphazard project in hopes of getting a decent grade. That's how schooling always is.
And that's really all I have to say on the matters of forced socialization and graded unified effort.
Name: Raina Melendez
Team Members: Chris, Aaron, Nick, Angelia, Nicole
Two greatest strengths:
I will start by saying that it is very obvious that we are not the greatest team. We all have our faults and could do well if we actually weren't too lazy to try anything half of the time.
Chris has charisma. Nick is the pretty face and the presenter. Angelia and Nicole don't really fit in much and resign to do things on their own and Aaron is the amazing tech guy who throws the powerpoints together. I am very determined when it comes to the group projects.
Obviously we each have a bit that we could bring to the table. When it comes to the actual implication of our strengths is where we falter.
Two Areas that need improvement:
Communication and politics.
We don't have a leader. And, if we communicated we'd all probably realize that the best one for the job is Chris. I am lazy and even though I am willing to do the work, my natural submissive personality dictates that I need to have someone in command tell me what to do. Aaron, lacking self esteem and bursting about the seams with cynicism is absolutely perfectly suited for his job as tech man. Angelia and Nicole would do well to provide him with links and materials, Chris would be best at delegating to us and Nick is naturally the most obvious choice for presentation.
My insights:
People, especially college students, in my experience have never done very well in group work. Human beings are selfish, lazy and terrible creatures that need guidance at virtually all hours. We possess the qualities necessary to work in teams but without a very positive leader and intelligible communication we will fail.
In times of stress and pressure we will put together a half ass and haphazard project in hopes of getting a decent grade. That's how schooling always is.
And that's really all I have to say on the matters of forced socialization and graded unified effort.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Role models, personal blog
Who is this role model?
I have many role models. My mother, Jenna Jameson, My aunt. Various porn stars. Right now though, I want to talk about the Adult film star who's paying to go to Duke university.
1.) How does this person fit your definition of a role model?
She preaches equality and sexual awareness. She's proud of her job, acknowledges societies fucked up view of people like her and points out that they are all bigotted and unaware of the world's changing social structure.
2.) Why do you look up to him and want to emulate Her?
She was getting harassed for being a porn star. People said things like "i'm sure daddy's proud" and a whole bunch of demeaning things. Even began stalking her and sending anonymous rape threats. She's amazing. She handled the situation by writing an article saying that she is proud of who she is regardless of the uncomfortable situation she was in because of her classmates inability to understand the merit of sex working. She's beautiful and wonderful and mature, well written and knows what the fuck she's talking about.
3.) How will you go about fostering in yourself the characteristics that you admire in him? Or if you already have the characteristics you admire, how have you done so and how are they manifesting themselves in your life?
I do my best to promote sexual freedom and awareness. I plan on working in the sex industry. I've gained the approval of my sister, mother, brother and all the people who matter in my life. But even if I hadn't I would not be ashamed of who I am. I admire everyone's ability to be accepting even if they are in social situations that make it harder to access that ability.
4.) In what ways might you become a role model to the people in your life?
I'm already a role model to people in my life. I've always assumed my "mothering" role. Whether it be for the 12-14 year olds who I taught to deal with their problems and with coming out, or for my sister who I've taught multiple things about following her dreams and whatever else came out naturally at the time. Some people look up to me. And it's honestly a bit uncomfortable. I don't believe that I myself deserve to be shaping people or that I am deserving of the level of respect that comes from having people look up to you. But I try to do what I can with the respect and mold people to be more understanding and compassionate.
I hope this all answers your questions. Bye
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Self Assessment Experience 4
My two strengths?
I don't really consider myself a strong person. But I've noticed something about myself in the past couple of weeks. I'm a mother. I don't mean I have a child. But, I've become a mother to my siblings, my mother, my roommate, my group of friends, my ex lover, my potential lovers...
My strength could be that I will go above and beyond to take care of anyone who needs me to care for them.
But that can also be a weakness.
Because that's the exact type of thinking that ends up getting you way too invested in other people and as a result you end up in a psyche ward wondering what the fuck happened to you.
As for plans, I don't know.
I don't exactly want to get rid of this trait. It's a part of me, and one of the few things that keeps me a good person and stops me from falling into some sort of destructive spiral. But at the same time, people are innately evil and selfish and will only ever hurt those they care about and those who care about them. This is a fundamental truth. So I suppose maybe if I continue to be a good person while removing myself emotionally from those I take care of, I won't be as painfully invested when they leave.
I'm not exactly the most positive when it comes to fixing myself. I acknowledge that I am broken, but then I teeter between "not worth fixing" and "completely content with being that way and don't want to fix myself".
Insert positive thinking here.
Insights about my performance?
I'm already really bad at pulling away from the people I "mother" and care for.
It's an experience in which I will always be doomed to repeat the patterns.
Have a nice day everyone.
My two strengths?
I don't really consider myself a strong person. But I've noticed something about myself in the past couple of weeks. I'm a mother. I don't mean I have a child. But, I've become a mother to my siblings, my mother, my roommate, my group of friends, my ex lover, my potential lovers...
My strength could be that I will go above and beyond to take care of anyone who needs me to care for them.
But that can also be a weakness.
Because that's the exact type of thinking that ends up getting you way too invested in other people and as a result you end up in a psyche ward wondering what the fuck happened to you.
As for plans, I don't know.
I don't exactly want to get rid of this trait. It's a part of me, and one of the few things that keeps me a good person and stops me from falling into some sort of destructive spiral. But at the same time, people are innately evil and selfish and will only ever hurt those they care about and those who care about them. This is a fundamental truth. So I suppose maybe if I continue to be a good person while removing myself emotionally from those I take care of, I won't be as painfully invested when they leave.
I'm not exactly the most positive when it comes to fixing myself. I acknowledge that I am broken, but then I teeter between "not worth fixing" and "completely content with being that way and don't want to fix myself".
Insert positive thinking here.
Insights about my performance?
I'm already really bad at pulling away from the people I "mother" and care for.
It's an experience in which I will always be doomed to repeat the patterns.
Have a nice day everyone.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Answering Personal Questions About the Relationship that put me in the Psyche Ward
This is going to be very fun.
My name is Raina Melendez. And the problem I had was that I tried to kill myself after hurting a person I thought meant the world to me.
Now in order to introduce the problem I will first say, I was wrong, and sick, and he was the thing MAKING me sick. I was dependent entirely on his existence and love for me, that when I thought I had hurt him I felt as though I was a monster and respectively carved the word Monster into my arm. The five characteristics of the problem are:
My crippling anxiety and depression.
My unhealthy relationship with a sociopath.
The fact that my life is going downhill and I thought that he was the only one who'd stay.
The fact that I am not permanently scarred with the word monster in my forearm.
My week long stay in an institution that was horribly daunting and made me rethink things.
As for strengths, I'm not a very strong person. I am easily broken and still emotionally fucked from all the nonsense I had to go through. But as of current, I am burning all of his things, I've willed myself to block him and remove him from my life, even though it hurts, and doing my best to pretend nothing bothers me anymore in hopes that the positive affirmations class mantra from the psyche ward will help me.
"Fake it and keep telling yourself it's true until one day it is"
I'm probably paraphrasing but you get the gist of it.
The major barriers I have of removing the problem is myself. I have severe mental illnesses and sickly enough I still think I'm in love with him. So I'm doing my best to move my obsessions to other, more harmless sociopaths. For example, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Dexter, and Donnie Darko.... See, Way more harmless than my emotionally devoid ex boyfriend.
The whole "who can I use" Question seems a bit shitty. I am not going to "use" anyone to get over my issues. I seek help with a therapist the school mandates me to see once a week and with my roommate and some other people. Most of whom I'm sexually interested in. See, I'm trying to get over him.
What am I going to do to overcome these barriers? Well, first I'm going to continuously go though these stupid questionnaires weekly, (if it seems like I'm only angry at this one randomly don't feel singled out, I'm really sick of these stupid things.) And each and every time I'm going to get more cynical and annoyed because it's all the same ridiculous questions about problem solving and crisis planning. But it's also a great way to vent on shitty mornings so... yay (I guess?) I'm going to keep going to therapy, get all the sex I want from inconsequential sources and play all the video games in the world until I have forgotten his name and the scar fades.
I don't really feel anything about the future so this question is harder to answer. As cliche as "one day at a time" is, that's what I'm doing. I want to be a phone sex operator in a one bedroom apartment with a cat who goes to anime conventions every year, I don't really have much to work toward and look forward to.
This problem has everything to do with my identity. I was a weak codependent person. I still am and don't really know if I wanna change that about myself or find someone healthier to be codependent with. But for now, I'm just some crazy chick who has a week or so of school to catch up on. Whatever.
I have absolutely no belief in my competence so my self efficacy is somewhere in the low region. And to be honest I don't even understand this question.
This has nothing to do with my affective skill set. I'm pretty sure google doesn't even recognize affective as a word.
Sorry about the rant. I feel better. Please don't fail me.
Also, I'm already going to therapy so using this as some sort of cry for help thing is a bad idea and will be agitating. Don't.
Have a nice day.
This is going to be very fun.
My name is Raina Melendez. And the problem I had was that I tried to kill myself after hurting a person I thought meant the world to me.
Now in order to introduce the problem I will first say, I was wrong, and sick, and he was the thing MAKING me sick. I was dependent entirely on his existence and love for me, that when I thought I had hurt him I felt as though I was a monster and respectively carved the word Monster into my arm. The five characteristics of the problem are:
My crippling anxiety and depression.
My unhealthy relationship with a sociopath.
The fact that my life is going downhill and I thought that he was the only one who'd stay.
The fact that I am not permanently scarred with the word monster in my forearm.
My week long stay in an institution that was horribly daunting and made me rethink things.
As for strengths, I'm not a very strong person. I am easily broken and still emotionally fucked from all the nonsense I had to go through. But as of current, I am burning all of his things, I've willed myself to block him and remove him from my life, even though it hurts, and doing my best to pretend nothing bothers me anymore in hopes that the positive affirmations class mantra from the psyche ward will help me.
"Fake it and keep telling yourself it's true until one day it is"
I'm probably paraphrasing but you get the gist of it.
The major barriers I have of removing the problem is myself. I have severe mental illnesses and sickly enough I still think I'm in love with him. So I'm doing my best to move my obsessions to other, more harmless sociopaths. For example, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Dexter, and Donnie Darko.... See, Way more harmless than my emotionally devoid ex boyfriend.
The whole "who can I use" Question seems a bit shitty. I am not going to "use" anyone to get over my issues. I seek help with a therapist the school mandates me to see once a week and with my roommate and some other people. Most of whom I'm sexually interested in. See, I'm trying to get over him.
What am I going to do to overcome these barriers? Well, first I'm going to continuously go though these stupid questionnaires weekly, (if it seems like I'm only angry at this one randomly don't feel singled out, I'm really sick of these stupid things.) And each and every time I'm going to get more cynical and annoyed because it's all the same ridiculous questions about problem solving and crisis planning. But it's also a great way to vent on shitty mornings so... yay (I guess?) I'm going to keep going to therapy, get all the sex I want from inconsequential sources and play all the video games in the world until I have forgotten his name and the scar fades.
I don't really feel anything about the future so this question is harder to answer. As cliche as "one day at a time" is, that's what I'm doing. I want to be a phone sex operator in a one bedroom apartment with a cat who goes to anime conventions every year, I don't really have much to work toward and look forward to.
This problem has everything to do with my identity. I was a weak codependent person. I still am and don't really know if I wanna change that about myself or find someone healthier to be codependent with. But for now, I'm just some crazy chick who has a week or so of school to catch up on. Whatever.
I have absolutely no belief in my competence so my self efficacy is somewhere in the low region. And to be honest I don't even understand this question.
This has nothing to do with my affective skill set. I'm pretty sure google doesn't even recognize affective as a word.
Sorry about the rant. I feel better. Please don't fail me.
Also, I'm already going to therapy so using this as some sort of cry for help thing is a bad idea and will be agitating. Don't.
Have a nice day.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
PB2_ThingsIWantToLearnInLife_RainaMelendez
Things I want to Learn in Life
To be completely honest I'm not entirely sure what I want to learn in life. I know that I want to expand my knowledge on sex. I know that I want to learn more about who I am and how to improve myself. But I am also completely fine with just being who I am now and I am too lazy to try to develop much more. Actually one thing I'd like to learn is how long you expect this friggin blog post to be? Because it'd help me a lot more if I actually had an idea of how long you want me to ramble. I mean, I could fill this entire blog post with a bunch of hokey garbage they told me about in the psychiatric unit. How I want to learn to love myself and learn to be a better person and learn to trust people. But that's all entirely garbage. I'd much rather learn more things about video games and card games and the various fandoms I follow because I don't like people enough to improve myself for them. But yeah... I want to learn about sex, I want to learn about species of animals, I want to learn more about comic books and upcoming comic conventions. I really don't know what else you want from me. Sorry.
Friday, January 31, 2014
PB1_GMMD101_Pg20-21_Q's4-7_RainaMelendez
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Learning to Learn: Becoming a Self Grower
Page 20-21 Questions 4-7
4. From your high school experiences, in which of the aspects of the Theory of Performance are you strongest or most prepared?
I feel I am most prepared in Identity. As an individual I feel the need to express my individual identity as well as the collective identity of those who are in my field of study and soon my professional field. I acknowledge that though I am confident in my abilities in the above mentioned fields, I will continue to take classes to grow and develop the identities to become all I can be in those departments.
5. In which areas of your performance as a quality learner are you least prepared?
I feel I am least prepared in Fixed Factors. I cannot change my race, height (though I try) and quite a bit of physical characteristics that will hinder my progression in certain areas of my work environment.
6. Why is the strength of your identity critical to your belief in your own success in college?
If you notice that a majority of my answers are about my work environment as opposed to my college environment, you will know that my college success is very low on my list of priorities, but I suppose that acknowledging who I am uniquely as well as acknowledging that I am another drone student and knowing my place on the food chain can help me continue to pass my classes and move on from this dreadful place.
7. What strategy did you use to analyze the performance of the honor student in the model?
I didn't. I was not even aware that was a thing I was supposed to be doing. My apologies.
Personal Blog One GMMD101
Learning to Learn: Becoming a Self Grower
Page 20-21 Questions 4-7
4. From your high school experiences, in which of the aspects of the Theory of Performance are you strongest or most prepared?
I feel I am most prepared in Identity. As an individual I feel the need to express my individual identity as well as the collective identity of those who are in my field of study and soon my professional field. I acknowledge that though I am confident in my abilities in the above mentioned fields, I will continue to take classes to grow and develop the identities to become all I can be in those departments.
5. In which areas of your performance as a quality learner are you least prepared?
I feel I am least prepared in Fixed Factors. I cannot change my race, height (though I try) and quite a bit of physical characteristics that will hinder my progression in certain areas of my work environment.
6. Why is the strength of your identity critical to your belief in your own success in college?
If you notice that a majority of my answers are about my work environment as opposed to my college environment, you will know that my college success is very low on my list of priorities, but I suppose that acknowledging who I am uniquely as well as acknowledging that I am another drone student and knowing my place on the food chain can help me continue to pass my classes and move on from this dreadful place.
7. What strategy did you use to analyze the performance of the honor student in the model?
I didn't. I was not even aware that was a thing I was supposed to be doing. My apologies.
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