Self Assessment Experience 4
My two strengths?
I don't really consider myself a strong person. But I've noticed something about myself in the past couple of weeks. I'm a mother. I don't mean I have a child. But, I've become a mother to my siblings, my mother, my roommate, my group of friends, my ex lover, my potential lovers...
My strength could be that I will go above and beyond to take care of anyone who needs me to care for them.
But that can also be a weakness.
Because that's the exact type of thinking that ends up getting you way too invested in other people and as a result you end up in a psyche ward wondering what the fuck happened to you.
As for plans, I don't know.
I don't exactly want to get rid of this trait. It's a part of me, and one of the few things that keeps me a good person and stops me from falling into some sort of destructive spiral. But at the same time, people are innately evil and selfish and will only ever hurt those they care about and those who care about them. This is a fundamental truth. So I suppose maybe if I continue to be a good person while removing myself emotionally from those I take care of, I won't be as painfully invested when they leave.
I'm not exactly the most positive when it comes to fixing myself. I acknowledge that I am broken, but then I teeter between "not worth fixing" and "completely content with being that way and don't want to fix myself".
Insert positive thinking here.
Insights about my performance?
I'm already really bad at pulling away from the people I "mother" and care for.
It's an experience in which I will always be doomed to repeat the patterns.
Have a nice day everyone.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
Answering Personal Questions About the Relationship that put me in the Psyche Ward
This is going to be very fun.
My name is Raina Melendez. And the problem I had was that I tried to kill myself after hurting a person I thought meant the world to me.
Now in order to introduce the problem I will first say, I was wrong, and sick, and he was the thing MAKING me sick. I was dependent entirely on his existence and love for me, that when I thought I had hurt him I felt as though I was a monster and respectively carved the word Monster into my arm. The five characteristics of the problem are:
My crippling anxiety and depression.
My unhealthy relationship with a sociopath.
The fact that my life is going downhill and I thought that he was the only one who'd stay.
The fact that I am not permanently scarred with the word monster in my forearm.
My week long stay in an institution that was horribly daunting and made me rethink things.
As for strengths, I'm not a very strong person. I am easily broken and still emotionally fucked from all the nonsense I had to go through. But as of current, I am burning all of his things, I've willed myself to block him and remove him from my life, even though it hurts, and doing my best to pretend nothing bothers me anymore in hopes that the positive affirmations class mantra from the psyche ward will help me.
"Fake it and keep telling yourself it's true until one day it is"
I'm probably paraphrasing but you get the gist of it.
The major barriers I have of removing the problem is myself. I have severe mental illnesses and sickly enough I still think I'm in love with him. So I'm doing my best to move my obsessions to other, more harmless sociopaths. For example, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Dexter, and Donnie Darko.... See, Way more harmless than my emotionally devoid ex boyfriend.
The whole "who can I use" Question seems a bit shitty. I am not going to "use" anyone to get over my issues. I seek help with a therapist the school mandates me to see once a week and with my roommate and some other people. Most of whom I'm sexually interested in. See, I'm trying to get over him.
What am I going to do to overcome these barriers? Well, first I'm going to continuously go though these stupid questionnaires weekly, (if it seems like I'm only angry at this one randomly don't feel singled out, I'm really sick of these stupid things.) And each and every time I'm going to get more cynical and annoyed because it's all the same ridiculous questions about problem solving and crisis planning. But it's also a great way to vent on shitty mornings so... yay (I guess?) I'm going to keep going to therapy, get all the sex I want from inconsequential sources and play all the video games in the world until I have forgotten his name and the scar fades.
I don't really feel anything about the future so this question is harder to answer. As cliche as "one day at a time" is, that's what I'm doing. I want to be a phone sex operator in a one bedroom apartment with a cat who goes to anime conventions every year, I don't really have much to work toward and look forward to.
This problem has everything to do with my identity. I was a weak codependent person. I still am and don't really know if I wanna change that about myself or find someone healthier to be codependent with. But for now, I'm just some crazy chick who has a week or so of school to catch up on. Whatever.
I have absolutely no belief in my competence so my self efficacy is somewhere in the low region. And to be honest I don't even understand this question.
This has nothing to do with my affective skill set. I'm pretty sure google doesn't even recognize affective as a word.
Sorry about the rant. I feel better. Please don't fail me.
Also, I'm already going to therapy so using this as some sort of cry for help thing is a bad idea and will be agitating. Don't.
Have a nice day.
This is going to be very fun.
My name is Raina Melendez. And the problem I had was that I tried to kill myself after hurting a person I thought meant the world to me.
Now in order to introduce the problem I will first say, I was wrong, and sick, and he was the thing MAKING me sick. I was dependent entirely on his existence and love for me, that when I thought I had hurt him I felt as though I was a monster and respectively carved the word Monster into my arm. The five characteristics of the problem are:
My crippling anxiety and depression.
My unhealthy relationship with a sociopath.
The fact that my life is going downhill and I thought that he was the only one who'd stay.
The fact that I am not permanently scarred with the word monster in my forearm.
My week long stay in an institution that was horribly daunting and made me rethink things.
As for strengths, I'm not a very strong person. I am easily broken and still emotionally fucked from all the nonsense I had to go through. But as of current, I am burning all of his things, I've willed myself to block him and remove him from my life, even though it hurts, and doing my best to pretend nothing bothers me anymore in hopes that the positive affirmations class mantra from the psyche ward will help me.
"Fake it and keep telling yourself it's true until one day it is"
I'm probably paraphrasing but you get the gist of it.
The major barriers I have of removing the problem is myself. I have severe mental illnesses and sickly enough I still think I'm in love with him. So I'm doing my best to move my obsessions to other, more harmless sociopaths. For example, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Dexter, and Donnie Darko.... See, Way more harmless than my emotionally devoid ex boyfriend.
The whole "who can I use" Question seems a bit shitty. I am not going to "use" anyone to get over my issues. I seek help with a therapist the school mandates me to see once a week and with my roommate and some other people. Most of whom I'm sexually interested in. See, I'm trying to get over him.
What am I going to do to overcome these barriers? Well, first I'm going to continuously go though these stupid questionnaires weekly, (if it seems like I'm only angry at this one randomly don't feel singled out, I'm really sick of these stupid things.) And each and every time I'm going to get more cynical and annoyed because it's all the same ridiculous questions about problem solving and crisis planning. But it's also a great way to vent on shitty mornings so... yay (I guess?) I'm going to keep going to therapy, get all the sex I want from inconsequential sources and play all the video games in the world until I have forgotten his name and the scar fades.
I don't really feel anything about the future so this question is harder to answer. As cliche as "one day at a time" is, that's what I'm doing. I want to be a phone sex operator in a one bedroom apartment with a cat who goes to anime conventions every year, I don't really have much to work toward and look forward to.
This problem has everything to do with my identity. I was a weak codependent person. I still am and don't really know if I wanna change that about myself or find someone healthier to be codependent with. But for now, I'm just some crazy chick who has a week or so of school to catch up on. Whatever.
I have absolutely no belief in my competence so my self efficacy is somewhere in the low region. And to be honest I don't even understand this question.
This has nothing to do with my affective skill set. I'm pretty sure google doesn't even recognize affective as a word.
Sorry about the rant. I feel better. Please don't fail me.
Also, I'm already going to therapy so using this as some sort of cry for help thing is a bad idea and will be agitating. Don't.
Have a nice day.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
PB2_ThingsIWantToLearnInLife_RainaMelendez
Things I want to Learn in Life
To be completely honest I'm not entirely sure what I want to learn in life. I know that I want to expand my knowledge on sex. I know that I want to learn more about who I am and how to improve myself. But I am also completely fine with just being who I am now and I am too lazy to try to develop much more. Actually one thing I'd like to learn is how long you expect this friggin blog post to be? Because it'd help me a lot more if I actually had an idea of how long you want me to ramble. I mean, I could fill this entire blog post with a bunch of hokey garbage they told me about in the psychiatric unit. How I want to learn to love myself and learn to be a better person and learn to trust people. But that's all entirely garbage. I'd much rather learn more things about video games and card games and the various fandoms I follow because I don't like people enough to improve myself for them. But yeah... I want to learn about sex, I want to learn about species of animals, I want to learn more about comic books and upcoming comic conventions. I really don't know what else you want from me. Sorry.
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